The Quirky Life of P

Humor and satire revolving around Mr P- a fictional mix of an avatar of Mr Bean and the veritable Bertram Wooster of Wodehouse fame.

Archive for the month “October, 2014”

Balle Balle…

Fourth Wall

P gets to spend a day inside watching his favorite movie— and this is what happens

P had taken a day off work to get his rental apartment ready for the quarterly inspection of the building and premises by the real estate agent. He was very happy with the now clean and tidy apartment and decided to reward himself by watching a movie while waiting for the agent.

He closed the blinds and dimmed the lights to create a theatre like ambience.

With popcorn and a can of coke, P sat down to watch “Bride and Prejudice”… Again!

No matter how many times he had seen the Indianised version of Pride and Prejudice, the movie continued to entrance him. Aishwarya Rai’s beauty, the colours, songs, dances and the flamboyance of a Bollywood film always had P enthralled.

With a sudden burst of drums, the song “Balle Balle …” came on the scene.

All of a sudden P was Balraj in the movie.

He looked at Lalita’s (Aishwarya Rai’s) sister Jaya and was smitten. He handed his drink to someone next to him just like Balraj did in the film and turned himself into ‘an Indian MC Hammer’, dancing to the song.

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It was then that he saw Lalita and P was lost. He was transformed into Darcy and lived the movie till the end as Darcy going through all the tiffs and romantic scenes with Lalita.

At the final scene however, P would have postponed the wedding with Lalita.

He was too scared to climb atop the elephant.  (See an earlier post: “Dances with elephants”)

Just as the movie was about to end, P was brought back to the real world by a knock on the door. Looking at the clock, P realised that it could be the real estate agent.

Turning the monitor off, P turned on the lights and hastened to open the door. The real estate agent walked in crushing the pop corn strewn across the floor, under his feet.  P then realised that the real Balraj in the movie had somebody take hold of his drink when he was caught up in the dancing frenzy. P however, had to rush inside now to get some paper towels and a mop to clean up the spilled coke from the carpet.

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Going in circles

Circuitous Paths

A stranger knocks on your door, asking for directions from your home to the closest gas station (or café, or library. Your pick!). Instead of the fastest and shortest route, give him/her the one involving the most fun detours.

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If you need to find your way, don’t ask it of P;

His sense of direction is blighted as it could be:

If with his help your journey was charted,

You could end up where you started;

For poor P is indeed not street wise,

And going in circles you’ll soon realise,

His concept of the earth being round.

But on the journey of life, his theories may seem sound!

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Stranger: “Sorry to trouble you like this but I am from out-of-town and am a bit lost here. Would you be able to direct me to the city centre?

P: “Not a problem, mate. Where exactly in the city centre do you wish to go?”

Stranger: “I’ve come to participate in the craft market at the show grounds”

P: “Ah! It’s quite far away. Chris, my neighbour was talking about the market the other day and he said it is twenty minutes’ drive from here. I’ll tell you what would work best. I’ll jump in the car with you and show you how to get there”

Stranger: “That’s very kind of you. But how will you get back?”

P: “Don’t you worry about that. I’ll manage to get a ride back somehow just as I found one now to get to the market. You see, I had asked Chris to take me there in his car but he had not obliged, but I have found a ride now…” P smiled.

Stranger: “Ok then, that’s fine with me”

P hopped into the stranger’s car and off they went to the market. However, after taking numerous left turns, right turns and driving north, south, east and west, the stranger looked at his watch and said “I guess we have now been driving for more than forty minutes and you said it would only be a twenty minutes’ drive?”

P: “We are nearly there. You should not be in such a panic. Do you believe in souls and reincarnation?”

Stranger: “Yes ….but what has that to do with anything here now?”

P philosophised: “You know, souls are eternal and with reincarnation, what they can’t accomplish this life, they can achieve in the next or the next or the next…. There is eternity ahead and so you should not be so anxious about time. In this round world, we just go in circles…life after life after life… Unless you stop the cycle of rebirth”

Stranger a bit perplexed now: “I don’t want to be late for the market!”

P: “I know, I know!…  And that’s why I am trying to help you out here… Wait!…Stop!… Can you just take a U-turn and go back to the big, grey building we saw a kilometre behind us?”

Stranger: “But there didn’t seem to be any show grounds there. I read the board and it said  ‘Tourist Information centre’!”

P said sheepishly: “Exactly! Let’s go in there and get a map and some directions. To tell you the truth, I have a very poor sense of direction and am totally lost as well!”

Tourist information centre


Circuitous Paths

Choc-a-block of Reader’s Block

New Picture (7)Every time P took a book to read,

His attention was lost with lightning speed;

On books he had nothing contrary,

So anytime he wandered into a library,

He would borrow some and videos

And see movies till the cock crows,

But fall asleep before the turn of a page!

Blame reader’s block or his mature age?


 The following is an excerpt from a previous post

P usually had a lot of expectations about his birthday presents from family and friends, and most of them, if not all, never came true. The jovial person that P was, he usually took things in his stride and whistled through his disappointments. On his last birthday, his neighbour had given him his best wishes and a neatly gift wrapped package over the fence. This was the first ever birthday gift from his neighbour and P opened the package with the required “Oohs” and “Ohs” to show his appreciation. P however, could not prevent his sudden in-drawn breath of shock and the dip in enthusiasm mirrored on his face… The present his neighbour had given him was a book titled “Old Man and the Sea” by somebody named Earnest!

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Flitting through the blurb his intelligent mind could pick out that it was all about a fellow who went to fish and caught nothing for a long, long time… till he finally caught a big one…………….

 P considered himself to be quite an intellectual, but he could not make any sense of the book. Only the theme of fishing stuck to his mind. 

New Picture (9)After a few bored yawns, P decided to put the book down and set into some sort of action. P went fishing.

Since then, many a time he had sat down with the book and a cup of tea…………… the book served as a lid or coaster for his tea-cup!


Reader’s Block

Classy glasses

Upturned Noses

Even the most laid back and egalitarian among us can be insufferable snobs when it comes to coffee, music, cars, beer, or any other pet obsession where things have to be just so. What are you snobbish about?



The flashy frame glinted in the light

And P was proud of his stylish glasses;

Not only did it help him with his short sight,

He also got looks from the lasses.


To look down on anyone he never chose

Though he held his nose high with the glasses on his face,

For the over large glasses balanced on his nose;

It was just his upturned nose that held them in place!


Upturned noses

P’s woes with customs! Lest he forgets…

New PictureNew Picture (3)From Adelaide to Auckland on his flight, P stopped over in Melbourne;

He ate his lunch of sandwiches, but the pear was left alone

In his bag obliviously, the pear flew to the city of sails

There at the airport before customs, P stood biting out his nails:

He had forgotten all about the uneaten, neglected pear

And failed to mention the fruit in his customs questionnaire;

Though not jailed, he had to pay a hefty sum as fine!

So now in transit P never takes fruits with him to dine.

Lest he forgets………..




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If you would ask Mr P to mention some scary things he has done in his life, he would say it was passing through customs and immigration and border security at the various international airports during his travels. No matter how many times he had done this during his frequent travels, he was a nervous wreck as he passed through these checks. 

Every time, he felt that the officers who checked his passport and looked into his eyes were trying to read his deepest secrets and did not like what they saw! Under their piercing scrutiny, just the thought of the Tylenol and Paracetamol tablets he carried for headaches, made him feel as though he was carrying something illegal. Whenever they asked him about the purpose of his travel, he felt that they believed he had some evil plans. This made P so nervous that his replies often came out in a squeaky voice. P would struggle to correct his voice to their next question and it would then come out as a hoarse grunt. Suffice to say that all this combined with his fidgeting made him appear as a suspicious character. So, very often he was subjected to strong scrutiny and checking.  Often he was asked to remove his shoes and he was pat-checked. Then at the airport there were those sniffer dogs. After that incident on his travel to New Zealand when he had to pay a fine of NZ$ 200 for carrying a forgotten pear in his bag from the lunch at Melbourne, he was very careful. He understood how much New Zealand customs hated plant material……… in the luggage. So he had made sure that he was not carrying any plant material to that country. Yet on one travel, this little sniffer dog had hounded him and the customs officer had detained him and thoroughly checked his bags before the problem was identified as some residual smell from the bananas he used to carry for lunch in his briefcase to work. Until he was allowed to proceed, he had felt that every eye in the airport was on him, scornfully wondering what drugs he was carrying in his bags! 

P had been deeply embarrassed by this incident and so bought a brand new “American Tourister” bag from Wal-Mart to carry as cabin bag on his next trip. On reaching Auckland airport, Mr P rested his new bag on the floor and was in the process of collecting his checked in luggage from the conveyor belt when a sniffer dog came a-sniffing at his bag! “Not again!” thought Mr P as the customs officer followed and started examining his bag. The officer started questioning Mr P on the contents and kept asking if Mr P had any fruits in the bag within the past few days. “No, Never”, he replied. “Just to avoid this situation I left at home my regular briefcase in which I take my lunch to work. This is a brand new bag that I bought just yesterday!”

“Ah! That explains it!” said the officer. “Sometimes this sniffer dog falsely alerts to the smell of new bags!” 

P stood agape! “One can never win with immigration, customs and border security!” he realised. “You could not avoid suspicion if you traveled with your old fruity smelling bag. Can you not travel with a new one either? Life was tough.”

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In Transit

Ode to the mundu

Welcome, Stranger to our land of mundu and lungi

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If you are a stranger in my town,

Don’t let your brow be marred by a frown

If you see men walking in skirts

With T or half or full sleeved shirts;

For skirts they are not, but wrap around

Mundus or lungis that are weather sound!

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No confinement to free-flowing air

For hot summers, they’re a choice attire!

The bottom  lifted, folded and tucked,

In the monsoons they don’t get mucked!

But before elders, ladies and as a sign of respect

The folds are let down, one should expect!New Picture (3)


Lepidopterans in the stomach

 P needed to do something to calm himself down and go to sleep. He had an interview to face in the morning!

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The butterflies in his tummy he could not still

With chocolate, ice cream or gulab jamun;

Green tea was tried, coffee to the gills

And cider with a dash of cinnamon;

Yet stress couldn’t be rid even with a pill

And anxiety played havoc with his mind.New Picture

He couldn’t read books for his brain was fried,

Nor could he be calmed by music of any kind;

Jogging and blogging were all duly tried,

So was bubble bath and yoga, to empty the mind

The knot in his chest couldn’t be untied

And relaxation indeed was hard to find!


A glass of port for himself he poured;

Gulped it down, followed it by more;

His nerves now soothed and well succoured,

All “portified” he took to snore;

But his interview was sadly soured:

Blame the headache and hangover!New Picture (2)


Big Day Ahead

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