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The Quirky Life of P

Humor and satire revolving around Mr P- a fictional mix of an avatar of Mr Bean and the veritable Bertram Wooster of Wodehouse fame.

Archive for the category “Blogging”

P buys Bitcoins

 

long or short

A parody of Madame Zeroni’s song in Holes
If only, if only,” Mr P sighs,
“The price of cryptos would go up so high”
While he waits below, hungry and lonely,
Longing for BTC to moo-oo-oon,
“If only, if only.”

It was a pleasant Saturday afternoon and P had just got up and had a shower. As he was getting out to buy his burger for lunch, P saw his neighbour, a stock trader by profession, pruning his rose bushes in the garden and went over to the picket fence to have a chat.

Neighbour: “P, I hope you won’t mind but I have to ask you this question. You are looking very tired these days. What’s up?”

P: “I’ll let you into my secret. You see, I am planning to buy a Lamborghini.”

Neighbour astonishedly: “Did you win the lotto or something?”

P: “No, but I am into crypto currency these days and so I can hardly sleep. And maybe that’s why I look tired.”

Neighbour: “Ah! I see… So what coins?”

P: “Only bitcoin.”

Neighbour: “Are you long or short?”

P was puzzled and stunned, wondering why his neighbour who was normally very circumspect and prudent, was changing the topic from crypto trading to his physical dimensions……

Tired of his old Getz, he longed for a Lambo
And though without a twin or a name like Winklevoss,
P went into crypto-world like daring Rambo,
Hoping it would  end all his monetary woes!

But P bit off more than what he could chew,
When he borrowed money from his credit card
And bitcoins he could buy just one or two;
His get-rich-quick plans were totally marred!

Of blockchain and cryptos P had no clue
And had bought the BTC at its peak,
Hoping its value would then accrue;
But crashing prices left his future bleak.

He was sleepless, tracking crypto price,
As he HODLed onto his coins tight;
Fud and fomo made his heart rate rise
As bulls and bears made their daily fight.

He doesn’t get what is ‘short’ or ‘long’
But if only, if only BTC would moon,
He can stop singing that soulful song
From “Holes”, he sings so out of tune;
For his neighbours, it would be such a boon!

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On collusion between ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ and blue moon and blood moon

bloodmoon

Blood moon that comes so rare

But more often than a blue

Had P enthralled in wishful thoughts

To watch the eclipse in the early dawn

And he went about to lay out his plans!

 

But his love for creature comforts

And the usual sleep-in on a Saturday

Eclipsed his desire to watch

The much talked of phenomenon!

(But maybe it was just Fake News?)

 

Yet, P wondered how he missed the sight

Even with all his well set plans

But P shrugged it off as the norm

Of collusion that is seen these days

When ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ can interchange!

P had decided to get up at 4 am on the 28th morning to watch the lunar eclipse. He had read that it was going to be a phenomenal sight in the sky with the blood moon and the glowing Mars next to it. So, for the sake of watching the blood moon, for once in a blue  moon, P decided to get up before daybreak. However, P always considered that though his spirit was more than willing, his flesh was weak and often betrayed him. He could not be sure that he wouldn’t (would?) just turn his alarm off and continue to sleep when it woke him in time to watch the eclipse. He therefore decided to rope in his neighbour into the scheme of things and had a long chat with him on the phone about how worthwhile it would (wouldn’t) be to watch the eclipse.

Finally, P convinced his neighbour on what he would (wouldn’t) be missing out, if he would not (would) watch the eclipse, and how such an opportunity wouldn’t (would) present itself for a long, long time. He also managed to get his neighbour promise to give P a phone call around 4 am, to ensure that P gets up in case P’s alarm clock did not serve its purpose.

Everything thus organised, P decided to go to bed early and went about his pre_bed routine. He set his alarm clock to ring at 4 am next morning. He brushed and flossed his teeth, and jumped into his pyjamas. He switched off his phone, put it to charge and turned off the lights. P then hopped onto his bed, snuggled down comfortably and switched on the TV to watch a bit of Fake News but went on to watch a movie on Netflix. It was quite late when he finally switched off the TV and sleep could embrace him.
The next day P got a glimpse of the phenomenal blood moon through the photos people put on the internet and also from those that were taken by his neighbour whom he saw late in the afternoon, working on his garden.

P did not question his neighbour on whether he had tried calling P on the phone as he had promised he would. P did not question as to whether he himself wouldn’t have switched off his phone by accident or turned off the alarm clock when it rang, had he been more committed.

Finally it all came to a collusion between ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’. These were times when ‘would’ and ‘wouldn’t’ could be interchanged so easily and even at the very highest of echelons of power. It didn’t need a blue moon for that to happen, let alone a blood moon!

Life is not a level playing field for P

uneven-copy

P had never considered life to be a level playing field. Some people had all the brawn and the good looks and some people had all the brains. And then there were the groups with loads of both while there were some with little of either. Any amount of deep thinking could never clear P’s doubts as to why the Creator indulged in such biased and uneven creations.

Only the previous month, P had discovered a few grey hairs on his crown and had rushed and got his hair dyed black. He had been feeling happy with his looks soon afterwards but his calm was shattered a couple of days later. He was bewildered when he looked at himself in the mirror and discovered that the uneven skin tone on his face had worsened. His forehead, nose, cheeks and chin were now blotched with dark brown pigmentation. “Life is indeed full of ups and downs but I am not going to be defeated by it,” P decided. So he set out to try all sorts of remedies to improve his complexion from witch hazel toner and kumkumadi oil to more prosaic things such as turmeric powder, sandalwood paste, lime juice, honey, milk etc.  The skin tone did not improve with anything though and blotches of dark patches lay unevenly on his face. P then had to seek the expert opinion of a dermatologist.

“I think your skin is reacting to something. It must be some allergy”, concluded the doctor.

P then had one of his ‘Eureka’ moments! “You know what! It could be the hair dye! It all started after I used the hair dye”, he exclaimed.

“Then leave it be, P, stop using the dye,” the doctor recommended and P gladly obliged.

Without colouring his hair further, P’s complexion improved!

But ….

 

Life was never a level playing field

Though P struggled not to yield

Age caught up with him and his hair

Even though he took utmost care

He dyed black to hide the greys

And was quite happy for a couple of days

Till black blotches tainted his skin uneven

He tried all remedies that were proven

The doc then suggested and he complied

The dye to his hair he no more applied

The blotches vanished, his complexion improved

His allergy to henna and the colouring thus proved

But life is just so full of ups and downs!

It still left P with worrying frowns

Because……

While the blacks disappeared from his face, the whites got his hair!

P floats like a butterfly

boxing1-copy

He had always wanted to be

Super strong as Muhammad Ali;

‘To float like a butterfly and sting like a bee’

P believed was also his own destiny.

 

So not to be a silly noddy,

To the gym he went to build his body;

But work-outs got him tired so badly,

He gave up his dream ever so gladly.

 

Let butterflies float and bees sting:

P realised it just was not his thing,

To strive so hard with the training

And to be beaten around in the ring.

 

He now says he’s happier just being lazy

And for muscles and sinews, he’s not very crazy;

Why then on his Facebook, is a picture of Ali?

The brawny body is Ali’s but the quirky face is that of P!

It’s what is inside that matters…

interior1-copy

P had been invited to a party that evening by the local youngsters and he had wanted to turn up looking young and good. Looking at himself in the mirror as he was brushing his hair into spikes, he found a gray hair peeking out. He parted his hair with his fingers to grab and uproot the culprit when he found that there were a few more of those whites scattered on his crown. He was devastated. It looked like age had finally caught up with him. He could only blame all those “Oh come on …. Grow up!!!” comments he often received from his friends and family. His body must have started listening to them perhaps, he thought.

He peered at himself more closely in the mirror. His heart fell as he saw tiny lines on his forehead, around his eyes and mouth. “Wrinkles” P muttered in shock! A few gray hairs were alright and might even be welcome. It could give him a dignified, salt and pepper look. As for the wrinkles, he decided that some skin renewal had to be done urgently…..

P made several phone calls to friends to find home remedies for blemishes and fine lines. Scanning through a lot of information, he finally picked chick pea flour, eggs, turmeric powder, lemon juice and honey. He closed all the window blinds and curtains to give the impression that no one was home. He did not want to be surprised by any visitors with his vanity treatments on. Gathering all the needed stuff from his kitchen,he made a paste according to the directions he had read, applied the pack on his face and sat down to do the daily crossword.

Quite soon, there was a knock on the door and P walked to the window and peered through the curtains. It was only his neighbor who had come to collect his garden shears that P had borrowed. Hastily P gathered the shears and opened the door.

“What the…..!” words choked in the neighbor’s throat in fright at the sight of the masked being coming at him with the shears…

“Oh, it’s only me” said P.

“What happened to your face?” asked the neighbor anxiously.

P then had to explain to his neighbor  about all his troubles with his looks and how he was worried that he may not get a girl friend or a wife and so on…

“Don’t worry too much about your looks P,” comforted the neighbor. “It’s what is inside that matters.”

“Oh? Are you sure?” asked P. “I don’t think I have much inside as well!” he said after a quick glance, inwards.

“Well, then that’s what you need to work on. You need a good person to be your friend or wife, and to such people, definitely it will be what’s inside that counts”, said the neighbor.

P stood stunned at his doorway as his neighbor collected the shears from his hands and left. Gathering his wits about, he walked back into his drawing room and looked around, more thoroughly this time. He rushed out into the porch and managed to catch his neighbor just as he reached the gate.

“Hey! Do you know any  good, interior decorators?” he shouted.

P’s confidence was in tatters,

His looks brought him to tears;

‘It’s  what is inside that matters’,

Is often what one hears.

Yet these words brought no solace,

He couldn’t help feeling inferior;

Though he worried less about his face,

He had to redo  his shabby interior

P gets stuck with a P…… word

P had nothing to write on the daily prompt;

This one word had him stomped;

For words with the meaning of plunder,

He was determined to keep asunder

From his life, simple and quirky

And even from his vocabulary!

 

P’s neighbour: “Hey P, it’s good to see you tending to your garden. What’s up?”

P: “Well, the Daily prompt today was a word that I don’t gel with and I decided to give it a miss. So I had some time on my hands…”

P’s neighbour: “Good! At least now you will be able to get rid of all those overgrown weeds. They are not only sore on the eyes but the pests and vermin they harbour come over the fence and pillage my herbs and sprouts…”

P rushes back inside his home even without a goodbye, to turn on his laptop and go to his blog….

Murder on the train

Overheard: This week’s writing challenge revolves around eavesdropping.

New Picture (18)

P had been ill at ease with the night travel by train in India, especially when he did not get tickets for the air-conditioned compartment and had to travel second class with the windows left open to counter the heat. It was not helpful that only the previous day, he had watched the film ‘Madras mail’, which was about a murder on a train. Tired, he had however nodded off and was woken as the train jerked to a stop at a station.  As he lay there with his eyes still shut, slowly drifting off to sleep, he was jolted by the sound of a slap. He kept his eyes closed and listened…

Child’s voice: “Kill him, mummy, Kill him!”

Woman’s whisper: “Hush! I don’t want you to wake up everybody on the train!”

Through half-opened eyes, P slowly peeped at the family of three on the opposite berth, travelling in the same cubicle. The dim light was still turned on and he could discern the figure of the man slouching by the window, probably fast asleep.

The woman was now looming over the husband with her hand slightly raised as the tot stood by her side, anxiously whispering “Get him mummy, get him!”…

P was shocked to hear the child say those words… He couldn’t believe a child could be so evil!… But then he remembered the famous film, “Omen” and he shuddered.New Picture (19)

The woman was now leaning towards her husband and as her raised hand came down in a slap, P cringed and shut his eyes…

Child’s voice: “Did you kill him?”

Man’s voice: “What the…?”

Child’s voice: “Did he escape again?”

Woman’s voice: “Yes, Dennis. And stop calling the mosquito “him” and “he”. It is an “it”…

P breathed a sigh of relief…

The woman was trying to kill a mosquito… and not her husband!

Unless of course, by the term “mosquito”, she was alluding to her husband…

 

 

 

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