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The Quirky Life of P

Humor and satire revolving around Mr P- a fictional mix of an avatar of Mr Bean and the veritable Bertram Wooster of Wodehouse fame.

Archive for the category “Comedy”

Murder on the train

Overheard: This week’s writing challenge revolves around eavesdropping.

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P had been ill at ease with the night travel by train in India, especially when he did not get tickets for the air-conditioned compartment and had to travel second class with the windows left open to counter the heat. It was not helpful that only the previous day, he had watched the film ‘Madras mail’, which was about a murder on a train. Tired, he had however nodded off and was woken as the train jerked to a stop at a station.  As he lay there with his eyes still shut, slowly drifting off to sleep, he was jolted by the sound of a slap. He kept his eyes closed and listened…

Child’s voice: “Kill him, mummy, Kill him!”

Woman’s whisper: “Hush! I don’t want you to wake up everybody on the train!”

Through half-opened eyes, P slowly peeped at the family of three on the opposite berth, travelling in the same cubicle. The dim light was still turned on and he could discern the figure of the man slouching by the window, probably fast asleep.

The woman was now looming over the husband with her hand slightly raised as the tot stood by her side, anxiously whispering “Get him mummy, get him!”…

P was shocked to hear the child say those words… He couldn’t believe a child could be so evil!… But then he remembered the famous film, “Omen” and he shuddered.New Picture (19)

The woman was now leaning towards her husband and as her raised hand came down in a slap, P cringed and shut his eyes…

Child’s voice: “Did you kill him?”

Man’s voice: “What the…?”

Child’s voice: “Did he escape again?”

Woman’s voice: “Yes, Dennis. And stop calling the mosquito “him” and “he”. It is an “it”…

P breathed a sigh of relief…

The woman was trying to kill a mosquito… and not her husband!

Unless of course, by the term “mosquito”, she was alluding to her husband…

 

 

 

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Be kind to humanity…

Cue the Violins: If your life were a movie, what would its soundtrack be like? What songs, instrumental pieces, and other sound effects would be featured on the official soundtrack album?- Daily Prompt

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New Picture (15)It’s a pain that the music that P plays,

On his violin on his most happy days,

Is a cacophony of howls and brays,

And if he sings along, the music frays

Your nerves, you pull your hair in a craze!

 

On sad days it’s like a banshee’s wail,

The noise drills your eardrums like a nail,

Chills in your spine will put malaria to the pale,

It makes the neighbourhood rail.

P even gets threats in his mail!

 

New Picture (14)In summer if you open your window,

To let in the breeze and some air flow,

A headache will soon hit your brow,

In the simmering heat like another blow,

As the violin practice proceeds, its intensity will grow.

 

In the monsoon, muffling the thunder and rain,

With off-key notes so loud, even earplugs are in vain;

P’s violin drives everybody insane;

Even the cat next door rolls in pain.

So folks, P’s music in your movie will be your bane!

 

If any one’s life were a movie

Please let the background music be

Anything other than what P

Plays on his violin, in gloom or glee.

Do be kind to humanity!New Picture (17)

From Caterpillar to Butterfly…

Salad Days: Is there a period in your own personal life that you think of as the good old days? Tell us a story about those innocent and/or exciting times (or lack thereof).- Daily Prompt

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P was reminiscing on

His salad days gone by,

And how like a caterpillar

That morphed into a butterfly,

From a carefree and spritely tot,

He had now grown to a man.

 

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Those balmy days he didn’t have to worry

For food on his table, and he voraciously ate

The meat, eggs, potatoes, and anything sweet,

But he fretted about salads on his plate,

As he dreaded the thought to eat or meet

A caterpillar hiding in the greens… he shuddered at the fate!

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No good news…

Bad Signal

Someone’s left you a voicemail message, but all you can make out are the last words: “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you months ago. Bye.” Who is it from, and what is this about? – Daily Prompt

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Hearing just those words, threw him into a panic.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve told you months ago. Bye.”

Was all P could pick from the background static,

As he replayed his sister’s message, again and again.

 

Random thoughts through his spine sent a chill,

Had somebody beloved, passed away?

Was somebody beloved, terminally ill?

Or was it just he, who was in very deep trouble?  

 

He rang his sister who had just the other day,

Been for a visit and tidied up his home;

He was anxious to find what she had now to say,

He cringed as she told him what he needed to know.

 

“Oh! For months, I’ve meant to tell you,

 Do get rid of your old dressing gown!

It’s full of holes, go get something new;

And take to the Salvation Army in town,

The bag of old clothes, before they get mildew.”

 

For a deeper understanding of this post, please read my earlier one: https://avatarofmrbean.wordpress.com/2014/11/09/to-keep-the-change-or-not/ written in response to Daily Prompt – Let it Be.

To Keep the Change or Not…

Let It Be A restaurant that removed your favorite item from the menu, a bad cover of a great song… Write a post about something that should’ve been left untouched, but wasn’t. Why was the original better?- Daily Prompt

The moment P heard his sister was coming over for a visit, he had tried to put some order in the house. His sister did not appreciate P’s laid back views on life and his way of living. Every time she came over, she tried to help P and change things for him. To keep the change or not… was always P’s big dilemma. This time again when she came to stay for a couple of days, she went about moving the furniture around aesthetically and rearranging everything, to make the house more presentable. It all looked very nice by the end of her stay and on the last day P drove her to the train station in the evening and came back home.New Picture (23)

He opened the door and walked through the hallway, where now a potted plant welcomed him, instead of the usual shoe stand with its clutter of shoes. “Beautiful…” P muttered as he walked into the lounge room. The room had really been transformed and looked stunning. P thought his sister had a very good aesthetic sense and sighed at his lack of it.

After having walked around, appreciating his house, P decided to watch a game of cricket. Looking around for his old, fluffy and comfy house shoes, he couldn’t find them. He hunted them out from a bag that his sister had filled with stuff that had to go to the Salvation Army. He also brought out from the bag, other things that he was comfortable wearing and did not wish to part with, though his sister had thought them to be too old and worn out. He took them all to their previous places, and the shoe stand along with the clutter of shoes now came back next to the pot of flowers. Even to P’s eyes it looked incongruous but he shrugged his thoughts away. He needed the shoe stand with his selection of shoes right there before he went out every time.

Going to settle down and watch TV, he had to bring down a bundle of clothes that had been packed in a bag and stowed away in the attic to find his nice warm TV watching, pyjamas and change into them. Now dressed comfortably, he went to the lounge room. His easy chair that he used to stretch out on and watch TV was not there. He looked at the shiny, black, leather chairs arranged around a coffee table. Though the leather chairs looked nice, P was always happier on his old easy chair.  P went out to the verandah at the back and brought his easy chair into the lounge room and gave it its due position, moving the other furniture to their usual places.New Picture (6)

Heaving another sigh, he finally sat down to watch TV. As he stretched out his legs, he felt something was amiss. The stool where he rested his drinks and chips was not there by the side. P had to get up again. This time he had to go into the hallway and grab the potted plant that had greeted him on entering the house. He took it to the garden and then collected the stool on which it had been resting in the hallway and restored it to its normal place. There were further adjustments of the furniture, TV stand and curtains to his liking and finally, P was able to stretch out to his comfort in the easy chair and watch TV. The house looked nearly what it was like before his sister came, but there still remained some more shuffling around that had to be done. His way of having his things around may certainly not be beautiful, but to him it was more comfortable… Tired, P sighed and wished “Only if I could let things be as my sister had left them… or… only if I had the nerve to tell my sister, without hurting her sentiments, to let things be”….

Samsung’s Swan Song

Return Address

Yesterday, your pet/baby/inanimate object could read your post. Today, they can write back. Write a post from their point of view (or just pick any non-verbal creature/object)- Daily Prompt

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I asked you to get me cyber fame,

But you went on to denigrate my name;

Thought I wouldn’t read your blog?

 Idiocy, your brain must clog,

Literate for a day, I read all you had to say.

 

Through your misuse, I am now battered,

My cell heart is now nearly shattered;

Take better care of me to have the charge last longer,

Or, get me a heart transplant with a battery stronger;

It won’t be free, you’ll need to dish out some cash.

 

I know you don’t have much left in your wallet,

It complains when we sit, squashed in your pocket;

About your phone credit, please stop moaning,

Use it wisely, and talk less when roaming;

And for chats with your neighbour, can’t you just walk next door?

 

Beautiful models would certainly entice you,

But bring one home and you’ll soon rue;

Their touch screens won’t like your rough finger stroke,

Texting won’t be easy, the way you poke,

And to use all their apps, you’ won’t have a clue.

 

You are better off with me if you keep me happy,

Stop dropping me on the hard floor, handle me gently;

Don’t sit on me or sleep on me, recharge and keep my energy high;

With a good clean, I would even be pleasing to the eye

And I do hope this is not the swan song of this Samsung!

 

Samsung concluded: “Whatever be the case, whether you stick with me or go after one of those other beauties, please be kind to your vocal chords. It isn’t that you have to shout ‘Hello’ and talk at the top of your voice to make the other person, your next door neighbour or someone overseas, hear you.”

Verses for the cell phone…

Literate for a Day

Someone or something you can’t communicate with through writing (a baby, a pet, an object) can understand every single word you write today, for one day only. What do you tell them? —Daily Prompt

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P felt his mobile phone vibrate and he picked it out of his pocket to see if he had any incoming messages. He jumped out of his skin when the phone shouted a loud “Hello…” at him.

P: Hello! …Who’s that?

Cell phone: It’s me, Samsung.

P: Is that you my old Samsung?  Are you talking to me? Can you hear me? What a surprise!

Cell phone: WordPress has given me the powers to read… just for today… Using those powers, I read the codes inside my body and acquired the technique of talking as well! You are always shouting ‘Hello… Hello’ at me. I thought I’d do that to you today so you’ll know what it feels like, having all the talk and Hellos shouted in your face in a loud voice.

P: Awwww! I’m sorry if I have been a nuisance. But it’s awesome that you can now communicate! Simply cool! So tell me why WordPress has made you literate?

Cell phone: The people at WordPress must have thought that it is high time that you appreciated my services to you. So come on, post something in praise of me! Let me get some cyber fame!

P: At your service my phone… Here’s my ode to you…

 

 

When out of credit, don’t cut my calls;New Picture (21)

You may think humans are just your thralls,

But let important talks be finished

Before you ask that funds be replenished;

Waiting for a minute or an hour even,

Your charms, for sure, will not lessen

If you are only not so monetarily driven!

 

Constant companion, in my pocket you travel,

Jeans or pants, no matter what the apparel;

You sleep by my side, plugged into a socket;

I’m only human and sometimes may forget

To charge your reserves, but it would be nice,

If you have a battery that never dies

And calls may not be missed by the device.

 

And when at times you do disappear

I’m thrown into panic, I hold you so dear;

I am so used to having you around,

To you I am now totally bound,

Connecting me with friends and all I love

While all over the globe I may rove;

Do cancel roaming charges, as goodwill it may behove.

 

Models of Motorola, Nokia and LG,

Modern and stunning, tried to allure me;

Faithfully so long, I stuck to my old Samsung,

Your praises will certainly not go unsung;

But I sometimes wish your keyboard was qwerty,

It would have helped my texting, I’m so quirky;

Also, a touch screen would have been perky.

 

I need more apps in you, to tell you the truth;

A nicer camera, Wi-Fi and Bluetooth

To take pictures and upload my Blog post,

For NaBloPoMo and prompts of the Daily Post;

Now ‘Selfies’, I learn, are the current rage

I’d like to take some and post on my Facebook page,

So if I get a new phone, please don’t take umbrage;

It would pain me terribly Samsung, if you now burst into a swan song…

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