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The Quirky Life of P

Humor and satire revolving around Mr P- a fictional mix of an avatar of Mr Bean and the veritable Bertram Wooster of Wodehouse fame.

Archive for the category “Comedy”

The Fire Eater

The Spice of Success

If “failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor” (Truman Capote), how spicy do you like your success stories?-Daily PromptNew Picture (11)New Picture (17)Taking things as they befall,

P hardly sees his failures.

If success comes, it’s by pure luck,New Picture (12)

Despite his efforts to hinder.

 

Practising to become an artiste,

All he achieved was discord

That grated on his neighbours’ nerves,

As he played the violin with resonance.

 

New Picture (15)He tried to be a famous scribe

But not a tome could he write;

He still has this fervour though,

That he would soon win the Booker.

 

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Not just in arts but in work and life,

Success still evades him.

He carries on blissfully,

Oblivious of all his failures.

 

If you ask how his successes

Were spiced by his failures,

He would turn around and ask you

“What in the world is failure?”

 

Eating fiery chillies, at first,

May burn your tongue and tum.

If you eat them again and again?

The punch is gone, it’s bland and plain!

 

Folks who know P well believe, this is what has happened to him! Poor P can’t sense his failures any more!

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A Proem for a Laptop Relic

Buyers, Beware?

The year is 2214, and your computer’s dusty hard drive has just resurfaced at an antique store. Write a note to the curious buyer explaining what he or she will find there.-Daily Prompt

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This laptop was owned by P,

Two hundred years ago;

Not then all that fancy,

Just a quirky Sony Vaio.

 

A desktop crowded with files,

Will surely make you see,

That not in his list of viles

Was Java, C plus or C.

 

While into the files you probe,

Piles of jokes and tales you’ll see,

Gathered from round the globe;New Picture (7)

And P’s attempts at comedy.New Picture (5)

 

 

The biggest folder named ‘Blogging,’

Will reveal P’s passion to you:

His feeble efforts at creative writingNew Picture (8)

Sad, the likes and comments,  few!

 

 

The story of noodles

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“So, what story are you going to tell me today, Mr P?” asked the kid. P had his own secret name for the boy and it was Dennis the Menace. There seemed to be a lot in common between the kid and the cartoon character. Usually P gave him a wide berth, but today, however, his parents had asked P’s help to look after him while they took their younger one to the clinic. The baby had been crying all night and the parents had decided to seek the doctor’s help.

P had agreed to look after Dennis because he had some time on his hands and there were plenty of packets of Maggie noodles in the pantry. P had a theory that most kids seemed to like Maggie noodles… The little menace in front of him, also it seemed, was very fond of noodles… If it hadn’t been for the noodles, P would not have agreed to take on the responsibility of looking after the kid and giving him lunch as he had no idea about what to cook to keep the boy happy.

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“Mr P… Didn’t you hear me? What story are you going to tell me today?” asked Dennis. The boy had wanted to play football inside the house and P had dissuaded him from it with the promise of a story. However, nothing was on his noodles other than the thought of how noodles were going to save his day.

“Well, how about a story on how noodles came on earth?” asked P.

“Don’t be stupid Mr P. Noodles did not ‘come on earth’. They were made on earth,” the boy pointed out.

“OK then, I’ll reword it. A story of how the world’s first noodles were made… Does that sound alright?”

The kid nodded and sat down on the carpet next to P.

P gathered his wits about and tried to make up a story.  He cleared his throat and began…

“I heard this story from my grandmother and she had heard it from hers… Long, long ago, in the land of the yellow river, people were living happily. The river kept the land fertile and people ate cooked balls of pounded millets and grains. There was a young family of a man, his wife and two children who lived in a small hut by the river. The father used to go hunting and fishing while the mother cooked and took care of the children. In the evenings, when the father returned home with the fish and all the raw materials needed for dinner, all of them sat down together and had their sumptuous meals of millet balls, fish and a special dish that the mother used to make with stuff she gathered while walking along the river banks.”

At this point, P paused and made sure that he had the boy’s full attention. He then continued…

“Now, the eldest boy in that family was a little spoilt kid. It came to a point when he would eat only the special dish and nothing else.”

“Must have been very yum… What was it exactly?” asked Dennis, his eyes alight with vicarious satisfaction.

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“It looked like noodles” P continued. “However, disaster struck in the form of a very cold and severe winter. The father could not go out and catch fish and the mother came back empty-handed for days and days when she went to gather material for the special dish. There was only flour of millets and grains in the house and meals had to be prepared just with that. The boy who would not eat anything other than the special dish was starving. It was then that the parents came out with the idea of tricking him to eat his food. While the boy, hungry and tired was sleeping, they made a paste of millet and grain flour with water. Instead of making small balls with the dough like they used to before, they stretched it out flat on the floor. They then cut thin strips out of it like strings and put them in boiling water and cooked them. The dish came out looking very similar to the special dish the mother used to cook and when the boy woke up, he ate the meal heartily. Thus the world’s first noodles were born!”

P smiled and looked at the little boy’s face, but did not see much of a reaction.

“You must be hungry now. Let me cook lunch for you. Shall I cook some Maggie noodles?” asked P and was happy and relieved to see the eager nod.

P mentally thanked God and Maggie noodles for saving him from cooking something else that would have demanded more time and effort.

As he was about to get up from the chair, the little boy said “Wait!  You didn’t tell me what the mother was collecting when she made the original noodles or the special dish as you called it. What was it?”

“Oh! They were earthworms that were in plenty around the fertile banks of the river” said P and noticed the sudden nauseous look on the boy’s face.

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“Can I please have something other than noodles, Mr P?” he asked squeamishly before he doubled over and was sick on the carpet. There went P’s best laid plans!

Second-Hand Stories

Waiting…

In today’s writing challenge, you’ll choose a scenario (or invent your own) and write a poem, a short story, a vignette, a scene, or flash fiction based on Nighthawks by Edward Hopper.

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Soda man: “You folks shouldn’t fret too much. His home is on the other side of the town. When he reaches his home and hunts for the house keys in the bag, he will realise that he has the wrong bag and will scramble back here in a jiffy”.

Man next to the woman: “Well, all we can do now is sit here and wait… It’s quite late already, how long is ‘jiffy’?”

Soda man: “Considering that it’s too late to get any bus, he will have to walk here and it could be another half hour.”

Woman to the man next to her: “To think that I had only gone to the powder room for a few minutes and my bag disappears… I still can’t understand how my bag could be mistaken for the gentleman’s case.”

Soda man: “That’s Mr P… Done this many times… When in a tipple and otherwise…”

The mystery man who had kept quiet till then: “Taken my case home too, a couple of times…He is quite absent-minded and … quite quirky…”

 

Ye folks who sit next to the man

In the train or bus or a restaurant,

Look out for your bag and umbrella;

Though P may not be a bad fella,

He mistakes your things for his own;

Absent-mindedness with age has grown,

He finishes your drink leaving his half-drunk for you;

Be careful he could use your tooth-brush too!

Ye folks be mindful when P is around,

A quirkier person, can’t be found.

 

Find a Muse in the Masters

P asks for more……….!

If only, if only, the weekends slowed down

And Monday took a long time to dawn!

If only, if only, the work days whisked by

And Monday to Friday sped in the blink of an eye!

 

Settling back to work on Mondays, was very painful and hard for Mr P! It is well known that a lot of people suffer from Monday blues. Some people can be mean and grumpy for being necessitated to put an end to the joys of the weekend and get to work. “This will have a negative impact on the productivity of others besides themselves”, thought Mr P. 

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P was tired of slogging from Monday to Friday and often wished he had a magic button to fast-forward these days. P’s understanding of Einstein’s theory of relativity was very sharp as he realised that time slowed down during weekdays. He wished that there could be more vacation days. It would have been alright if there were fewer working days in a week. Having just the weekend of Saturday and Sunday off was not enough at all…

“Then one surely must have Fridays off too”, P thought. He strongly believed that not much work gets done on a Friday anyway!

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People like him get so tired by Friday and are so eager for a break by then, that all what gets done on a Friday is just planning things for the weekend…. Such as whether to go to the Mexican restaurant and have Tacos, Nachos and Burritos or to ‘Cubby’s sports bar and grill’ for sweet potato fries, fried chicken and Long island iced tea for dinner. 

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Plans had to be made for Saturday and Sunday as well such as  whether to  go to ‘Papa John’s or MacDonald’s for lunch and whether to spend the days outside in the hammock with his favourite tipple  or inside watching movies…There were so many important decisions to be made! So why not have a holiday on Friday as well? P aspired for long weekend holidays for every week in the calendar.

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Mr P would have liked Wednesday to be a holiday as well. “Does it not make perfect sense to have a day off in between the two working days? Wouldn’t that keep you fresh and eager to work on Tuesday and Thursday?” he thought.

It all seemed logical and ideal to P till he realised that he still would need his pay check to cover all days of the week, and for that, his boss needed to be convinced……..

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Pace Oddity

To Catch A Ghost….

Of ghosts and ghouls Mr P was scared;

To taunt or vex them, he never dared;

But a ghost kept knocking on his window pane

While Poor Mr P tried to sleep in vain.

 

He talked to the ghost to let him be:

The reason for the haunting he could never see;

But the ghost wouldn’t talk and kept P in shock;

Though all it did, was to simply knock.

 

Halloween had P in its eerie thrall:

He watched horror movies, all with gall;

But going to bed, he heard the knock again

And screamed aloud as he was scared insane.

 

To help Mr P, the neighbour came running

They moved to catch the ghost with cunning

As P lay with fright, shaking in his bed,

Knocking started on the window by his head.

 

The erring spirit was then caught in the act;

It wasn’t a ghost or ghoul- was the plain fact;

An old coat rack was all that they caught,

Banging on the panes, making P distraught.

 

For more details please read earlier post: Mr P catches a ghost!

O

 

Trick or Trick

Balle Balle…

Fourth Wall

You get to spend a day inside your favorite movie. Tell us which one it is — and what happens to you while you’re there.- Daily Prompt

 

P had taken a day off from work to get his rental apartment ready for the quarterly inspection of the building and premises by the real estate agent. He was very happy with the now clean and tidy apartment and decided to reward himself by watching a movie while waiting for the agent.

He closed the blinds and dimmed the lights to create a theatre like ambience.

With popcorn and a can of coke, P sat down to watch “Bride and Prejudice”… Again!

No matter how many times he had seen the Indianised version of Pride and Prejudice, the movie continued to entrance him. Aishwarya Rai’s beauty, the colours, songs, dances and the flamboyance of a Bollywood film always had P enthralled.

With a sudden burst of drums, the song “Balle Balle …” came on the scene.

All of a sudden P was Balraj in the movie.

He looked at Lalita’s (Aishwarya Rai’s) sister Jaya and was smitten. He handed his drink to someone next to him just like Balraj did in the film and turned himself into ‘an Indian MC Hammer’, dancing to the song.

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It was then that he saw Lalita and P was lost. He was transformed into Darcy and lived the movie till the end as Darcy going through all the tiffs and romantic scenes with Lalita.

At the final scene however, P would have postponed the wedding with Lalita.

He was too scared to climb atop the elephant.  (See an earlier post: “Dances with elephants”)

Just as the movie was about to end, P was brought back to the real world by a knock on the door. Looking at the clock, P realised that it could be the real estate agent.

Turning the monitor off, P turned on the lights and hastened to open the door. The real estate agent walked in crushing the pop corn strewn across the floor, under his feet.  P then realised that the real Balraj in the movie had somebody take hold of his drink when he was caught up in the dancing frenzy. P however, had to rush inside now to get some paper towels and a mop to clean up the spilled coke from the carpet.

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