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The Quirky Life of P

Humor and satire revolving around Mr P- a fictional mix of an avatar of Mr Bean and the veritable Bertram Wooster of Wodehouse fame.

Archive for the tag “humor”

P buys Bitcoins

 

long or short

A parody of Madame Zeroni’s song in Holes
If only, if only,” Mr P sighs,
“The price of cryptos would go up so high”
While he waits below, hungry and lonely,
Longing for BTC to moo-oo-oon,
“If only, if only.”

It was a pleasant Saturday afternoon and P had just got up and had a shower. As he was getting out to buy his burger for lunch, P saw his neighbour, a stock trader by profession, pruning his rose bushes in the garden and went over to the picket fence to have a chat.

Neighbour: “P, I hope you won’t mind but I have to ask you this question. You are looking very tired these days. What’s up?”

P: “I’ll let you into my secret. You see, I am planning to buy a Lamborghini.”

Neighbour astonishedly: “Did you win the lotto or something?”

P: “No, but I am into crypto currency these days and so I can hardly sleep. And maybe that’s why I look tired.”

Neighbour: “Ah! I see… So what coins?”

P: “Only bitcoin.”

Neighbour: “Are you long or short?”

P was puzzled and stunned, wondering why his neighbour who was normally very circumspect and prudent, was changing the topic from crypto trading to his physical dimensions……

Tired of his old Getz, he longed for a Lambo
And though without a twin or a name like Winklevoss,
P went into crypto-world like daring Rambo,
Hoping it would  end all his monetary woes!

But P bit off more than what he could chew,
When he borrowed money from his credit card
And bitcoins he could buy just one or two;
His get-rich-quick plans were totally marred!

Of blockchain and cryptos P had no clue
And had bought the BTC at its peak,
Hoping its value would then accrue;
But crashing prices left his future bleak.

He was sleepless, tracking crypto price,
As he HODLed onto his coins tight;
Fud and fomo made his heart rate rise
As bulls and bears made their daily fight.

He doesn’t get what is ‘short’ or ‘long’
But if only, if only BTC would moon,
He can stop singing that soulful song
From “Holes”, he sings so out of tune;
For his neighbours, it would be such a boon!

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Oversight

New Picture

The sound of the notification of a message arriving on his mobile phone woke up P from his afternoon nap. As soon as P read the first line in the message on his phone with his blurry eyes, he shut it down. He was scared that a virus that could be sent along with the SMS could destroy his phone. P rushed out with it to his friend and neighbour and told him about the spam message soliciting him for something, the mere mention of which made him blush and stutter.

“Now, be honest with me. Have you been browsing any of those naughty, no good websites?” asked his neighbour eyeing P in what P felt was a very suspicious way.

“No! Never! All I use my data on the phone is to download spirituality stuff. I really don’t know who could be sending me such a message” responded P. His conscience was clear but P couldn’t help feeling he had guilt written all over his red face.

“Let me have a look” said the neighbour and P bravely turned the phone on and scrolled to the message section and handed it to him like a hot potato.

His friend opened up the latest message on P’s phone and started to chuckle as he read it.

“What a dirty mind you have P!” he said. “The message reads “Get it laid this weekend” and you probably missed the second word “it” in the sentence when you read it! It is only a carpet company’s advertisement!”

P is not for POTUS or for Putin

blimpThings were not looking good for P and he was worried when he returned to blogosphere after a long break. He had chosen to be known as P rather than by his name ‘Pillai’ which could also be translated as ‘baby’ in South Indian languages. But, quite a few things starting with the letter P were showing up in collusion and in bad light or even trying to silence P— stars, on the sly! And now there was this big baby blimp in a diaper going to be floating in the skies in London!

However, P had no intention of going anywhere overseas, let alone London, any time in the near future especially with all that was happening with immigration and border security. He worried that his visa may be cancelled for no reason. He worried that he could be separated from his family and be put in a detention centre. Times were so bad that, that was what was happening to kids these days! After all, his name suggested that he was a child too!

A big orange blimp, up in the sky;

It broke his heart, not to see it fly!

But with new rules and travel ban,

P worried about his dark skin and tan!

 

Staying home was not much fun,

But safer than a trip to London.

For times were bad and children sad,

Separated from mums and dads!

 

 

 

 

 

Life is not a level playing field for P

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P had never considered life to be a level playing field. Some people had all the brawn and the good looks and some people had all the brains. And then there were the groups with loads of both while there were some with little of either. Any amount of deep thinking could never clear P’s doubts as to why the Creator indulged in such biased and uneven creations.

Only the previous month, P had discovered a few grey hairs on his crown and had rushed and got his hair dyed black. He had been feeling happy with his looks soon afterwards but his calm was shattered a couple of days later. He was bewildered when he looked at himself in the mirror and discovered that the uneven skin tone on his face had worsened. His forehead, nose, cheeks and chin were now blotched with dark brown pigmentation. “Life is indeed full of ups and downs but I am not going to be defeated by it,” P decided. So he set out to try all sorts of remedies to improve his complexion from witch hazel toner and kumkumadi oil to more prosaic things such as turmeric powder, sandalwood paste, lime juice, honey, milk etc.  The skin tone did not improve with anything though and blotches of dark patches lay unevenly on his face. P then had to seek the expert opinion of a dermatologist.

“I think your skin is reacting to something. It must be some allergy”, concluded the doctor.

P then had one of his ‘Eureka’ moments! “You know what! It could be the hair dye! It all started after I used the hair dye”, he exclaimed.

“Then leave it be, P, stop using the dye,” the doctor recommended and P gladly obliged.

Without colouring his hair further, P’s complexion improved!

But ….

 

Life was never a level playing field

Though P struggled not to yield

Age caught up with him and his hair

Even though he took utmost care

He dyed black to hide the greys

And was quite happy for a couple of days

Till black blotches tainted his skin uneven

He tried all remedies that were proven

The doc then suggested and he complied

The dye to his hair he no more applied

The blotches vanished, his complexion improved

His allergy to henna and the colouring thus proved

But life is just so full of ups and downs!

It still left P with worrying frowns

Because……

While the blacks disappeared from his face, the whites got his hair!

P floats like a butterfly

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He had always wanted to be

Super strong as Muhammad Ali;

‘To float like a butterfly and sting like a bee’

P believed was also his own destiny.

 

So not to be a silly noddy,

To the gym he went to build his body;

But work-outs got him tired so badly,

He gave up his dream ever so gladly.

 

Let butterflies float and bees sting:

P realised it just was not his thing,

To strive so hard with the training

And to be beaten around in the ring.

 

He now says he’s happier just being lazy

And for muscles and sinews, he’s not very crazy;

Why then on his Facebook, is a picture of Ali?

The brawny body is Ali’s but the quirky face is that of P!

It’s what is inside that matters…

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P had been invited to a party that evening by the local youngsters and he had wanted to turn up looking young and good. Looking at himself in the mirror as he was brushing his hair into spikes, he found a gray hair peeking out. He parted his hair with his fingers to grab and uproot the culprit when he found that there were a few more of those whites scattered on his crown. He was devastated. It looked like age had finally caught up with him. He could only blame all those “Oh come on …. Grow up!!!” comments he often received from his friends and family. His body must have started listening to them perhaps, he thought.

He peered at himself more closely in the mirror. His heart fell as he saw tiny lines on his forehead, around his eyes and mouth. “Wrinkles” P muttered in shock! A few gray hairs were alright and might even be welcome. It could give him a dignified, salt and pepper look. As for the wrinkles, he decided that some skin renewal had to be done urgently…..

P made several phone calls to friends to find home remedies for blemishes and fine lines. Scanning through a lot of information, he finally picked chick pea flour, eggs, turmeric powder, lemon juice and honey. He closed all the window blinds and curtains to give the impression that no one was home. He did not want to be surprised by any visitors with his vanity treatments on. Gathering all the needed stuff from his kitchen,he made a paste according to the directions he had read, applied the pack on his face and sat down to do the daily crossword.

Quite soon, there was a knock on the door and P walked to the window and peered through the curtains. It was only his neighbor who had come to collect his garden shears that P had borrowed. Hastily P gathered the shears and opened the door.

“What the…..!” words choked in the neighbor’s throat in fright at the sight of the masked being coming at him with the shears…

“Oh, it’s only me” said P.

“What happened to your face?” asked the neighbor anxiously.

P then had to explain to his neighbor  about all his troubles with his looks and how he was worried that he may not get a girl friend or a wife and so on…

“Don’t worry too much about your looks P,” comforted the neighbor. “It’s what is inside that matters.”

“Oh? Are you sure?” asked P. “I don’t think I have much inside as well!” he said after a quick glance, inwards.

“Well, then that’s what you need to work on. You need a good person to be your friend or wife, and to such people, definitely it will be what’s inside that counts”, said the neighbor.

P stood stunned at his doorway as his neighbor collected the shears from his hands and left. Gathering his wits about, he walked back into his drawing room and looked around, more thoroughly this time. He rushed out into the porch and managed to catch his neighbor just as he reached the gate.

“Hey! Do you know any  good, interior decorators?” he shouted.

P’s confidence was in tatters,

His looks brought him to tears;

‘It’s  what is inside that matters’,

Is often what one hears.

Yet these words brought no solace,

He couldn’t help feeling inferior;

Though he worried less about his face,

He had to redo  his shabby interior

P’s tears flow….

P had a box of tissues handy to wipe his flowing tears. P’s heart was breaking, looking at what was going on…..

mope-copy

P felt he needed some dope,

Or he wouldn’t cope;

Though not end life on a rope,

He would sit around and mope;

For answers he might grope,

But he couldn’t see any hope!

Could he change the situation? Nope!

For how could he alter things in a TV soap?

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